Marinara Sauce
Well, this is why you’re here…to learn how to cook these exquisite sauces that will blow people’s pants off. Here it is—Marinara. Yes, this is my own recipe, and yes it will blow the pants off of people. If you time it correctly those pants will belong to someone special, and you may find more enjoyment to have flying pants at that point.
Additionally, this is the epitome of Italian sauces. If you get this wrong you should not be in the kitchen. I know if you listen to Ratatouille…anyone can cook. Good God, that is just not true. And if it was true then my mother would actually have made some good food whilst I was growing up. Trust me, she is more hillbilly than a pretentious chef. She would never fit in with my stuck-up subservient friends and crowd that follow me!
Ingredients
6 Vine Ripen or Roma Tomatoes. Plain and simple truth. Roma Tomatoes are superior, but I seem to have a hard time finding them as great as the vine ripen tomatoes here in Indiana. When I lived in Italy they were everywhere and amazing. So, I would say you can go with either one. Whatever you do—do not use beefsteak tomatoes. They lack taste and don’t deserve to be cooked into any sauce!
1 Red Onion. Yes, you can use any onion you want. However, I prefer the Red Onion. It is my family’s favourite, and after they had demanded red onions for so long I have converted and I prefer them now myself.
4 Garlic Cloves. For the love of Cheesus do not use dried Garlic or powdered Garlic. That is a sin on the Garlic Italian Gods, and they will smite you if you use it. In fact, if you have it in your kitchen discard it. Why would you have such an evil entity residing in your kitchen? It doesn’t even work on Vampyres!
1 TBSP Olive Oil. Oh yeah, extra virgin is needed here. Just like all those extra virgin sacrifices to the volcano Gods we will use extra virgin olive oil in this recipe.
1 tsp Salt There is so much to know about different salts, Kosher, Pink Himalayan, Sea Salt, and iodized (never use iodized!) and you have to choose the salt you want to use in this dish. Just choose the correct salt, Kosher!
1 tsp Oregano Look, I don’t use oregano, and when I do use oregano in any dish I use Turkish Oregano. I have found that a lot of times when I get oregano at the grocery store it is Mexican Oregano, and I do not like its flavor. I only added it here because so many people prefer to use it. You don’t need it, and it will taste great without it.
1/2 tsp Dried Red Chili Peppers. So, you may use the red chili flakes that you purchase at the store; few people will know the difference, and you may fake your pretentiousness with store-bought. I (the superior chef) make my own red chili mix which I use in this recipe. In my mix, I use Fresno peppers, Thai Red Chilis, and Indian Red Chilis, and grind them up in a spice grinder. I love the tastes that come from it, and this is a bit of pretentiousness I recommend not faking. It makes a huge difference.
4 Basil Leaves Yes, it needs to be fresh. I have started to dry the basil in a dehydrator, but it never has the same taste when it is dried out. Use fresh for this recipe. You will love the taste that comes from the fresh basil, and use the stalk too if you can. However, if you use the stalk put it in whole, and remove it before you eat it. You don’t want anyone choking on it—well not everyone...
Instructions
Throw the tomatoes into a large mixing bowl, and crush them. Smash them into a pulpy mess, and do not let anyone see you do it either. If they do they may think you are a budding serial killer—heh, little do they know! Set the tomatoes to the side with juice and all.
Put the olive oil in a deep dish skillet, and put it on medium-high heat. When the olive oil is hot and bothered put the onions in, and cook them until they become translucent—like my wife’s skin tone. Now add the garlic, red chili peppers, and oregano and cook for a couple more minutes. Plop all the tomatoes in the skillet!
When the sauce boils, back the heat off until it stops boiling, and continue to cook for about thirty minutes (honestly the longer the better). Add the balsamic vinegar, and the basil and mix the sauce. Let it cook for five or ten more minutes. Keep tasting it to make sure you don’t need to add more spices and season the sauce to meet your tastes. When the taste of it washes over your soul and you moan and cry, “damn, this is good!” You’re done! Take it off the heat and serve it with your dish. It pairs greatly with pasta, Asparagus, and Lemon Grilled Chicken!
contributor
This is a Giancarlo Fiasco Concoction.
Chef Giancarlo has been making food, recipes, and things to shove in your mouth since he lived in the Holy Land of Food (Italy). He lived there for a total of ten years and spawned five smaller versions of people, and the two eldest are professional chefs while Chef Giancarlo is just a pretentious Chef that thinks he is better than everyone else.
Marinara is a time-honoured favourite, and a staple in the Italian diet. Here he shares that immortal Italian standard, and swears if you don’t like the sauce you either failed or are not human! Make this recipe with care and keep working on it to make it your own, and use it frequently in your dishes.